Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
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My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Sign of the day..
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.