Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
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This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Expect the unexporcupine.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?