[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
You Might Also Like
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day