I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie