I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
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Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Aight bet
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.