Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
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Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter