Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
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new record!
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS