Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
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Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.