Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
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For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*