My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
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As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Van Gone
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.