[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
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ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you