I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
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[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Running from your problems is cardio .
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.