[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
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tourist season
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I think I’m having a stroke
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
so weird how every mom was born today
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Not today, today.
Not today.