Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
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Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?