There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows