You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
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New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…