Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
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Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad