of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
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If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom