Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
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Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.