Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
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I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.