Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
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Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
#Caturday
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Breaking news:
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running