If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
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During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets