Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
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Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
All is fair in drunk and war.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*