[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
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I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?