“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
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ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.