Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
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[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
O Wise One….
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
A classic…
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what