I would guard your potatoes so hard.
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[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
he’s doing your taxes
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.