Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
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Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Hot Hot Hot
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored