People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
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This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.