i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
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Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.