Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
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Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard