This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
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[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”