He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
You Might Also Like
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…