“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
You Might Also Like
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.