Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
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My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat