The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
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Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence