‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
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Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
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he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.