*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
2023 was just a warmup
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.