[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
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#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?