“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
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Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.