him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
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Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Just this preview of the story is enough
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it