When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
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At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.