People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
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Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
*watches the world burn*
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.