I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
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Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Still my favourite meme.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol