Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
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receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Me irl
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.