I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
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Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS