My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
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Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
channeling her this year
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.