me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
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If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.