Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Spotted in New Orleans.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”