When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
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I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
All is fair in drunk and war.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.